I don't understand and maybe I never will
|Even though we aren't as close as we used to be, I still miss my friend. I miss being able to say hello to her. I miss being able to ask her how her day was. I miss being able to be a friend to her, instead of being someone that is ignored.|
It was nice to be able to clear the air, but it would have also been nice to know that what she was really doing, was apparently saying goodbye to me, without coming right out and saying, I am glad I could get some things off my heart and I do care about you, but I won't be talking with you anymore. It feels like high school all over again, where a girl says she just wants to be friends, but then ignores everything about you, as if you never did exist. I thought we were friends to begin with. And for some reason, a guy is supposed to not take it personal when a woman, who is a friend and claims to care, goes on to ignore all contact after unburdening her heart.
I wasn't asking for things to be like they had been. I realize that that isn't going to happen. What I was asking for, was having my friend be a friend, and expressing how I miss her as such.
Were the words I care about you empty words? Does that caring about someone include not sharing with your friend what is on your heart and mind? Does that caring about someone include not sharing with them when you are upset, mad, or angry about something? Does that caring about someone include completely ignoring him when he reaches out to say he misses talking with you as a friend? Does it include ignoring someone who has, and will continue to stand by you as a friend, even though you ignore him as if what he thinks or feels is meaningless, or that the friendship shared was meaningless?
I thought when we cleared the air that night, that we would still talk as friends. I had no idea that that would be what appears to be the last time you would ever speak with me again, even though you said you cared.
My heart is heavy and hurts deeply over what has been happening. I don't understand how you can treat me this way. We were always able to talk before. Now, it is as if I don't exist and never did. I won't reach out anymore, as it seems you want it that way.
It hurts being shunned.
|I am a man made of clay. I have flaws and imperfections. I have scars upon my heart. I have made mistakes like many of you reading this blog. I try not to make mistakes. I try not to let past get to me in the present. But, sometimes it does. And the one friend that I need to talk to the most, has shunned me, as if I had betrayed a trust, been cruel, uncaring, unwilling to listen, or stuck a knife in his / her back.|
I am not guilty of any of those things. What I am guilty of, is being human with frailties. I am guilty of allowing an insecurity to get the best of me in a moment. I am guilty of getting a little carried away in my emotion (meant for good) with a friend. And though I have apologized from my heart, I am still shunned, as if I am some terrible person that is no longer worthy of being talked with. What terrible wrong(s) have I committed to warrant such mean and hurtful behavior towards me?
I thought that friends who cared about one another talked problems over; speaking the truth to one another as best both can, instead of acting like I don't exist and no longer matter.
It hurts to be treated as if I am defective, and no longer worthy of being called a friend or treated as such. I am not some defective whack job. I am a man with a big heart that made a few mistakes.
It hurts to be treated in such a manner, when I don't believe my actions warrant being shunned.
Why am I held to some impossible standard that apparently punishes any wrong done in such a hurtful manner? Are those I have called friends not without flaws and frailties as well?
I have not sought perfection in others. I have not shut friends out of my life when they have messed up. I have done my best to be understanding of them knowing that I have my faults as well. I have done my best to be compassionate and tried not to judge harshly, lest I be judged. I have tried to speak the truth to others, even when i had to share something very personal, or had to admit something very shameful or embarrassing. I did not shut them out and turn my back on my friends when a problem or disappointment came. I believe in trying to work things out as friends, not hurting them more because they had a moment or two of weakness and exposed a flawed side of themselves.
Not every problem can be solved or agreed upon. But, if you don't communicate with the one you call friend, you will never know.
I hate when I mess up. I try not to especially with those people in my life who I call friend and hold a very special place in my heart.
My heart is hurting, because someone I still consider my friend has tossed me aside and shunned me. I would never treat my friend in such a manner.
If any of you have a friend and you two are going through a rough patch in the road, don't shut them out in silence and shun them. Talk with them not out of anger, but with open ears and heart. You both may be the better for it in the end. You may end up being the best friends you could ever imagine. But, you aren't going to know unless you try.
I hope none of you ever have to feel the pain of being shunned, especially from someone you still call friend and have in your heart. It hurts deeply.
Do you want love in your life?
It has been said, that love is a many splendor thing. For most of us, it is the one thing in life that we strive to find and embrace. At the same time, many people find it and then turn away from it, because it seems too real, as if they were wishing for love never really believing it would ever happen. Love that is genuinely expressed becomes something that is shunned, and often replaced with a relationship that is routine, predictable, and convenient.
Is it love itself that scares people so much, or is it the vulnerability and sacrifice that is a part of love, that scares many people to the point of embracing relationships that aren’t truly fulfilling, just so they can see the routine instead of living the love that they claim to want in their lives?
Love shouldn’t be an ideal or an experience that is scary. It shouldn’t be a dark cloud that constantly hangs over us due to bad experiences in the past. If a person doesn’t believe he or she will ever experience love, they are conditioning themselves to prevent love from entering their life. Many people do this by creating walls around different areas of their life. Many people try to control when and to what extent they will allow love in their life, especially in the deeper parts of their heart that they don’t like to talk about much less feel. Love doesn’t work that way.
When a person, in thought or through actions, tells another, that he or she wants love in their life but under very limited conditions, what that person is really saying is I don’t trust you, believe in you or myself enough to give love a chance to grow. And over time, a person that treats love and others in such a manner becomes very cynical and closed off. And the more they see or feel love in their life, the more they push those people away who represent the very kinds of things that they claimed to want in the first place.
Have you been hungry for love in your life? If so, how many walls have you created around yourself daring someone to break through? Do you want to truly experience love in your life or just talk about it as if it were nothing more than an empty dream?
In the Stillness of the Night
Regret makes our souls bleed.
|Live your lives without deeds undone or words left unsaid. However painful it may be, embrace the moment, the feelings, the fears, and the dreams. Regret, it makes our souls bleed. And sometimes, that bleeding can last a lifetime.|
Chains in our Lives
|As we live our life, it is easy to become cynical and jaded, due to events and circumstances that come into our life. It can be easy to embrace the status quo of life and love, especially when we see so many examples of heartache from friends, family, and strangers. If we are not careful, we will start living our life based on the expectations and fears of others.|
It is easy to immerse ourselves in the fantasy of movies and the ideal of love as we understand it. It is easy to say, I wish that love would happen to me but, it never will. Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that you have chained up your heart and your life, so that you can't see and feel happiness and love when it touches you in some small way?
What are the chains in your life, that you have wrapped yourself in, that keep you from experiencing the fullness of love?
Whispers Falling on My Heart
Whispers Falling on My Heart
Whispers falling on my heart like slow, fat drops of water in a Springtime rain. With each drop that falls, my soul breathes its first breath all over again. Its echo travels on the wind like an old lover from another time and place. It caresses her body with such tenderness and familiarity, it makes her cry. She slowly turns. Her heart is aching, her pulse is racing. Her breath is taken from her… the soul taking its first breath all over again.